{"id":5497,"date":"2019-06-30T22:12:32","date_gmt":"2019-07-01T03:12:32","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.harrynowell.com\/blog\/?p=5497"},"modified":"2022-05-29T08:14:32","modified_gmt":"2022-05-29T13:14:32","slug":"1156-the-forced-apology","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.harrynowell.com\/blog\/2019\/06\/30\/1156-the-forced-apology\/","title":{"rendered":"#1156 The Forced Apology"},"content":{"rendered":"
Tweet<\/a><\/div>\n

A young student does something wrong.
They\u2019re told to apologize.
They do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And then nothing changes\u2026

There\u2019s a lot wrong with this scenario.
The student upsets someone or something.\u00a0Yes, that\u2019s unfortunate but it happens. I like to think of these \u2018oopses\u2019 as potential for learning. Often the student is asked or told or expected to apologize and, usually, the student knows the easy way out \u2013 \u201cI\u2019m sorry\u2026\u201d\u00a0

The trouble is – in many cases \u2013 the student is\u00a0not<\/em> sorry. They want to get out of trouble quickly, go through the \u2018sorry\u2019 steps and get back to what they want to do. The greater injustice is that, oftentimes, the student\u2019s undesirable behaviour does not change or is reinforced.

This winter a student from another class routinely stepped over the boundaries of school rules and general decorum. He was a high-flying prankster constantly pushing the envelope of acceptable behaviour. He\u2019d been trained to keep playing his get out of jail “sorry<\/em>” card.\u00a0

The last time he said \u2018sorry\u2019 with his big goofy grin and an expectation of absolution, I stopped.\u00a0

\u201cI don\u2019t think you are sorry,\u201d came from my mouth. His smile faded with the recognition that his normal routine had hit a snag. He stood quietly, unsure what to say\u2026

\u201cIf you were sorry you wouldn\u2019t keep running and yelling in the halls between classes.\u201d More silence\u2026

\u201cI would know you were sorry if you at least attempted to make a change.\u201d

And I let him go…

That was the start of a slow change.

The next time I taught his class I met him at the door. I asked why I should let him in. \u201cI could just give you your work. You could do it in the office… I don\u2019t like it when your behaviour disrupts others. How do I know you\u2019ve changed or are willing to change?\u201d

That was the start of a gradual evolution. It required time and consistency and more energy than demanding \u2018sorry.\u2019 It required our relationship to grow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The end result was better. But the cost was higher.\u00a0

Most people think teachers teach math or language or science, etc. They do, but the more important job is to develop the whole person. That takes more time and effort \u2013 often more effort than the teacher has time for.\u00a0\u00a0

Don’t accept a meaningless apology. It\u2019s the extra step that makes the difference to a student and a community. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Tweet A young student does something wrong.They\u2019re told to apologize.They do. And then nothing changes\u2026 There\u2019s a lot wrong with this scenario.The student upsets someone or something.\u00a0Yes, that\u2019s unfortunate but it happens. I like to think of these \u2018oopses\u2019 as Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[318,292,316,306,317],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.harrynowell.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5497"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.harrynowell.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.harrynowell.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.harrynowell.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.harrynowell.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5497"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/www.harrynowell.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5497\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5501,"href":"http:\/\/www.harrynowell.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5497\/revisions\/5501"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.harrynowell.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5497"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.harrynowell.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5497"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.harrynowell.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5497"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}